Not Guilty

I just fear what this means.



We Brace

The National Guard has been put on standby, all city and county police have been put on 12 hour shifts, the governor and the mayor have pleaded for peaceful demonstration, schools are closing or canceling after school activities.

The verdict is expected today in another trial of a white police officer  killing a black man.

No one wins if justice can be threatened. 

I hope the evidence was clear and the outcome accepted. Regardless we all have a lot of work to do.


Fuck This Label

I have been struggling and today I feel a huge weight lifted from me. What has changed? Nothing.

Daddy and I had a conversation last night. He had surprised me by requesting two days prior that we find some time to talk. I had actually been hoping to do the same. I did not tell him I had something on my mind because I did not know if what he would say would affect whether I proceeded or not. He had picked up that things were not right lately and he wanted to know why. Except the fact that we were both already a little emotional and on guard it was a perfect lead in to what I wanted to discuss.

I rambled and babbled and I wasnโ€™t very clear but I told him that I wasnโ€™t sure we were D/s and I didnโ€™t like the expectations that have come with the label. He did not agree with my thoughts on whether we fit the term. It also very much concerned him that I wanted to roll back the changes we have made. I told him that I ABSOLUTELY knew that he was my Daddy no matter what.

I said that I did not like the expectations I had for him as a Dominant. I also realized that I was holding myself to some pretty high expectations. I was beating myself up over some thinking and I was wrongly measuring my devotion to him based on how far I could submit. I told him I did not want to change us or what we have been doing. I just wanted to throw away the fucking measuring stick.

I know that not everyone is the same but time and time again I have not felt like we are even under the umbrella. D/s is a label that I so desperately wanted to wear but now it is itching the fuck out of me and I think I need to tear it out.

I understand it should not matter but I am not one to misrepresent myself and I have based this blog on the premise of a D/s relationship. I have been socializing online at D/s sites. I have enjoyed helping others starting out or those having similar situations or struggles. I do not want to feel like an imposter or that I am misrepresenting but I have feared consequences of just voicing these doubts. I really want to feel like I have contributed. However, a friend said, โ€œThe rest is for ego stroking in front of strangers.โ€ She may not have meant it directed at me but I felt it fit. Stroking feels good, tee hee, but I am here to be real and vulnerable and connect to those that relate.

What that means for the future of those social things… I donโ€™t know. Maybe nothing. Maybe itโ€™s time to leave the fair.

I know I have felt lighter today.

Can’t Wait

I’ve been off all week and I am eagerly anticipating Monday. ย *HEAVY sarcasm

At least it’s only a half day because I have a pap smear in the morning – probably highlight of my day.