There is to This

About a week or so ago we were out somewhere and I don’t remember where or what the situation was but I was being a little bratty and he said to me “Do you want to be sleeping on the floor tonight?” I think my mouth dropped open as that really caught me off guard. For one he does not do punishments and two that sounded really harsh. Lol

So as I was surprised I also doubted that he would do such a thing. However, I did not push him. I didn’t test him as that isn’t my way. I stopped whatever it was that I was doing and just at least for the moment trusted that he would carry it out if I continued.

We have had discussions over punishment and consequences many times and he repeatedly states that it is not something he wants to do. So when he says something like that I assume he is teasing and being playful. Afterwards I usually fret over whether or not he meant it. Whether or not he’s “there” yet. This time I wondered if I have the right to question him, to wonder if he will actually carry it out. Yes. I think I have the right to but do I want to?

I do not want to. I want to stop worrying about his ability to lead and just trust him and submit. Because I think “there” is a lot like “this” in that it is constantly evolving and not a set destination.

What Is THIS and Does He Need It?

A lot of the time when I write, I use “this” because I struggle to label it. No I struggle with being called out on what I label it. At times, I can’t even say submission because I’m afraid the reader will laugh. I fear misrepresenting what we are. I know it should not matter but it does.

I am probably most unsure because I question whether this is real for him. I want him to want this because to me that implies he wants me.

So I must make some attempt to define this. Does he need to be the boss? Does he need me to kneel for him? Does he need the kink? No. What he does need is the intimacy, the connection, the oneness, the closeness that this brings us.

The cause is somewhat irrelevant to him in that he doesn’t need that part but he knows I desire it and therefore he seeks to provide as he can. What he needs is the effect. He has told me and I can see it.

Is this D/s, DD, power exchange, BDSM, kink, Dd/lg, Dd/bg, traditional marriage, love & respect, common sense relationship…? It is bits from here and there. It is things I have asked for and things he has brought. It is fluid and changing and this is us.

Training Myself

I am responsible for my submission. Part of my mantra. I would love to say I remember that at all times but … please.

Tuesday I cried on and off all day. I texted and asked to talk about it and he said Yes but he already made the commitment. I responded with Forget it then. Come on by now he knows I’m not just forgetting it. Lol Yesterday I decided to meet him for lunch and I figured we could have a calm discussion about the situation. That approach has worked in the past but not this time. When I left him back at work I did not want to send my usual text check-ins as to where I was. I was pissed and hurt and trying to check-out. I sent them anyway. Later when I burnt my finger on the glue gun I wasn’t going to tell him but eventually I let Daddy know and he sent instructions on taking care of it.

Last night when he got home I asked to go for a walk. We have had many discussion while walking. We didn’t say a word to each other. He was still tense and on the defense from lunch.

Later in the evening I was fuming. I was messaging friends about how mad I was and how ridiculous I thought he was behaving. I had had enough. I put down my phone and intended to go into the bedroom and just let him have it. Staying submissive and in my role wasn’t working so That Bitch was taking over. https://toraprincess.wordpress.com/2016/01/22/bitch-ghost/
https://toraprincess.wordpress.com/2015/10/16/shes-back-and-she-brought-a-friend/

But as I stood and I walked down the hall another me, the real me, knew that wasn’t the way to go. I shut the bedroom door and he was in the shower so I had more time to calm. I stripped naked and knelt in his pathway from the bathroom. I went over and over in my head what I should say as my opening line. I knew he would probably still be defensive. He might be thinking I’m trying to manipulate him. I had to be calm and soft but stand firm in getting out what I needed to say.

When he came out he walked past me. I stayed. I was certain that he would not ignore me. Hmm was I certain? I think I was which is a breakthrough in itself. He came back and had taken all of his clothes off. He reached for my hand and took me to the bed. He wanted me to curl up next to him but I needed to sit up and look at him. I think I started with “Daddy I need to know that my feelings are heard and that you listen to them.”

He listened. Some of it was the particular situation and another part was in how the situation was handled. He did not have a lot to say and I don’t think it will change his decision on the matter but I know that he heard me. I know it will be something he thinks on.

The entire thing wasn’t handled in some perfect D/s checklist manner. He isn’t perfect and I am certainly not either. I wanted to check out more than once. At the height of frustration I wanted to rage but naked and soft was the way. I am responsible for my submission. I brought this to him and I have to continue to bring it every damn day.

Training My Dom

You might think that sounds condescending and disrespectful. Really I am showing him how i like to be treated and how his actions affect my reactions. Essentially it’s what we all do every day.  Through our actions we teach others how to interact with us.

I said something last night about wanting to have a calm conversation where I state my viewpoint and then wanting to hear his side. He said it wouldn’t work out that way. He said I would get upset if he didn’t agree with me. I told him he was not letting me try and that wasn’t fair.

He is not wrong. That is how it has gone in the past. I trained him that way. Now as I grow and change I have to train him to interact with me differently. I have to ask for the opportunity to show him my growth.