I keep circling back to this fear that I’m dragging him down a path that he doesn’t want to go.
I will be fine for a while and then bam I’m back to freaking out that he doesn’t want this. The fact that he will do anything for me and is willing to try this is great but it also keeps me wondering what if he just won’t say no.
When I ask him he says yes he still wants to do this. I mean sex any time he wants and no nagging. Who wouldn’t?! However he also says he can live without it. What he is attached to is the connection it has brought us. He said he never would have thought that one of us being in control would bring us so much closer together. He’s right. I couldn’t give that up.
So why does this keeps coming up? Fear of losing it? Fear I’m really still in control?
I need to stop worrying and just see where the path takes us. Where he leads us.
I call him Daddy. That still sometimes strikes me as odd and I laugh because I can’t believe it. Never never did I think I would ever call him Daddy. I am learning in this never say never. 😉
It always drove me nuts to hear women call their husbands daddy. Daddy has an Aunt that I don’t care for that did it all the time. It was like nails on a chalkboard to me.
About two months in to our D/s I was discovering more of myself and I had the increasing urge to call him Daddy. It just seemed to fit so much nicer than Sir. I started calling him Daddy in my head. I couldn’t say it out loud. The thought of telling him scared me more than telling him I wanted D/s. I was really afraid it would weird him out. We were very new to all of this and I knew he didn’t know much about the dynamic. We also have kids and I just thought the whole idea would scare him and he would reject it. Reject me.
The desire was there though and I was afraid it would just burst out. I almost put it in a text but I knew I needed to see his face.
So I sent him this article that I thought gave a great intro to both sides of the DD/lg dynamic. I wanted him to read it and process it before we talked. If it was going to shock him I didn’t want to see his face.
I was so nervous when we sat down to talk about it but it was unnecessary. Like he has done with all of this he said he accepted it as part of me. He has said that if he denies what’s inside of me then he is not the husband he wants to be. I love you Daddy!
trust: acceptance of the truth of a statement without evidence or investigation
I always believed that I trusted him but questioning is not trust. I never understood that. I question because of my need for all the information before making a decision, my fear of failure and the lack of trust in myself. It has been such a relief not to worry and just say “Yes Sir”.
Daddy doesn’t understand how using the flogger on me can relax me and take away my anxiety. Truth is he doesn’t do it that hard but he’s getting comfortable and I understand that. 😉 I was trying to explain how it was like a cathartic release. I told him it was much like when I feel like my heart is breaking and I dig my fingernails into my skin in an effort to divert the emotional pain into physical pain.
I’ve never put that in to words before. Why is it when you say something out loud it seems to make it clearer in your mind?
Twenty-three years ago we went on our first date.
Boot Scootin’ Boogie
little Ford truck
too shy to talk
We were heading out the door for a wedding and I was spiraling out of control. I was so upset I was beginning to cry and I could not ruin my makeup. After several touch ups I got in the car and we left but I was still fighting the tears feeling like my heart was being ripped out. “Please fix it” I pleaded with him. All he could do while driving was to squeeze my hand. I tightly gripped his hand until I felt calmer. It helped but wasn’t completely what I needed.
“I’m nervous.” I managed to squeak out at a level he could hear. He can never hear me anymore. My voice gets so low when I feel like this. “I will be with you the entire time. Well except for the restroom.” It helps but still not what I wanted.
It was stupid this all started because we didn’t have sex before leaving the house. It wasn’t that I was turned on and needed the relief. I needed that sexual connection as a boost of confidence. There’s something about having just had sex that makes me feel more attractive and more comfortable. It also establishes that connection between us that I can feel all night. I realize now that the times we had sex before going to an event made a difference in how attentive he was with me all evening. That really isn’t necessary anymore but I still felt I had to have that.
Pre-D/s the whole evening would have just been shot. I would throw a fit and he would be distant. Now I was able to ask for help and he didn’t get upset. I was also able to reflect and figure out just why this happened and tell him.
The wedding went well. He made sure he was by my side touching me the entire time and let’s just say after the car ride home I could have walked on stage at a convention center. 🙂