Trying to fit in

I don’t know why I’m trying so hard to fit in.

In the end only Daddy matters but sometimes you just need someone other than Daddy to talk to. Sometimes Daddy needs you to have someone else to talk to.

I won’t kiss ass and fawn all over someone I’m not in agreement with. I can be polite but it eats at me. I want to recognized and not ignored.

I have this need to feel like I fit somewhere and yet I never really feel like I fit and I cannot make myself go along with the crowd just to fit in.

I don’t do well in group situations. I will only speak up if I’m very confident and if I’m laughed at or discounted I will withdraw and not speak up again.

I do better one on one but I also have a hard time getting to know anyone. It is hard to get to know someone like myself because I’m introverted and I really need someone more extroverted to draw me out.

I am sure the answer in this is to stop trying to fit in. It’s just hard. Maybe it is that all or nothing thing. I feel like I have to agree with everything or be exactly like the others to consider myself fitting.

hmmm

I don’t like change

My department consists of me and my boss. He is a really easy going person to work for. I wouldn’t be able to work for anyone that barked orders at me.

He is going through a lot of emotional personal stuff. Many of it brought on by his own insecurities. It is effecting his work majorly. So much so Daddy and I have been regularly discussing what the options might be if the boss is fired.
I am not capable of taking over. I have not spent the time seeing that I one day I could run the department. I don’t want it. I want to work and go home. I shy away from leading. I’d rather follow a competent person. Right now I don’t even have that.

I’m not exactly thrilled about my career path choice. I don’t move to a different place as for the most part I am comfortable there. The thought of interviewing and changing just scares the crap out of me.

If I hang on here I could be in charge at least temporarily. They could also just get rid of me too. Then what if I don’t like the new boss?

I just want to do my job and not have to listen to the emotional outpours from the boss. I don’t do feelings well. I’m also not able to speak honestly. I can’t tell him he’s incredibly fucked up and is going to cost himself and possibly me a job.

I’m also very worried that Daddy is going to want me to speak up to management at some point. That would be extremely hard.

When we talked this weekend about the situation Daddy said “I don’t have a position at my work that you could take or I would.” Aww he would let me work with him. 😀

just ramblings

It’s Not

It’s not all about the sex.

The “kinky fuckery” might have been what caught my attention but it was not the deciding factor when I approached my husband with my interest in a D/s relationship. It was a desire for something beyond our marriage commitment that I was looking for. An expression of the expanding of my love for him. Little did I know that embarking on this journey would deepen that connection so much more than I knew possible. 

I wanted this for him but I have gotten so much more out of it. I have never felt more free and at ease with him and within my own skin. It’s an ongoing discovery that has me mesmerized.

The sex is great and getting better all of the time. I am sure it will continue as we feel more and more comfortable with ourselves and each other. It’s a manifestation of that connection.

Six Months

Six months ago we officially started this journey. Thank you. Once again you have proven how lucky I am. I so appreciate your willingness to take this journey with me. I know it has been frustrating at times. I know I have had visions in my head that you had no clue about. I know I unfairly measured you to those standards. I am sorry. I love you and I don’t want to change who you are or who I am. I do want to uncover true feelings and desires. I want to grow and explore the possibilities. I want to make this ours. I want to find what feels right for us while pushing to expand our horizons. I’ve always been willing to follow you anywhere. I do so now eagerly without hesitation or questioning. I trust you Daddy.
  

Monday

It’s Monday and I don’t want to be at work. Ok you could insert any other day of the week there.

I had a great weekend. We had Friday night through Sunday morning alone. It was amazing.

We went for a long drive and discussed all the items on my list. It had been growing for some time. I love getting his undivided attention.

We had some great play as well. It’s a good thing Monday is my regular chiropractor appointment because my hips are out of alignment. 😉

For Rita

It’s an hour long and I haven’t watched the whole thing.

The first time through is Pharrell but after that it is individuals feeling their own dance.

No one’s here yet so I’m chair dancing Rita. 😉