Following your lead ….

Asked and answered. Thanks nij! 🙂

I pick everyone’s brain on this because Daddy is not the type for a list of rules. He doesn’t have absolute strong opinions on everything. There are a lot of things that just don’t matter to him. Not that he doesn’t care but he just has no preference.

He has HIS routines but he doesn’t expect anyone else to follow them. He isn’t in to micromanaging or detailed planning ahead for things he doesn’t think requires it. A night out or a vacation he would be perfectly content to just go and see where he ends up. I’m the one that is thinking far ahead. I’m the one researching and creating excel spreadsheets as to what we are going to do and on what days. I am the list maker. I want to cover all bases so we don’t have to make extra trips or detours. I will have you know that the camping one from last year needed very little tweaking this year. 😉

So I am still forcing this need to know where we will end up and he is content on just seeing where this will take us. I know I need to lay that down.

As far as rules, routines, protocols I will ask for what I need to feel I am in my role and feel that control over me because I desire it. Most likely he will grant it because he wants me to be happy and he has no preference. So be it. If it works for us what does it matter.

Sir's nijntje

Well depending on who you listen to you might have heard that your DOM needs to (or will) have a set of rules and regulations for you to follow. In many cases I’m sure that’s true. Some may even have page upon page of rules and particulars that they want fulfilled. So what if yours is just not the writing out rules kind of guy or gal?

Does the fact that your DOM doesn’t require you to follow a large list of rules make him/her less dominant? Does it mean perhaps that they don’t want to be in control after all?  Does it mean that they are really just not that invested in having this whole dynamic after all? Well I think that could be a possibility but it’s not necessarily the only reason.

A dominant is just a person after all (although you are so much more Sir! LOL)…

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D/s caused anxiety

Not long after we started this relationship I began having physical anxiety symptoms. I attributed them to my monthly cycle as that’s when I thought they were happening most. I mentioned it to the doctor at my regular exam and she gave me a prescription no problem. After filling the prescription I had mixed feelings of using them. I wanted to hold off unless really necessary. That was July and I have yet to take one.

Those symptoms actually subsided almost entirely not long after that. Looking back I attribute them to a couple of things.

Social anxiety in an online group I am in. Even with people I’ve never met I cared too much when I felt ignored or disliked for no reason. I couldn’t stay away but I felt anxious at the same time. I’m still there for a few friends but I distance myself from those that make me uncomfortable. The connections I have made blogging have been so supportive in my journey.

I hate to admit it but I think some of the anxiety was the D/s. As much as I wanted it I felt sick to my stomach on the way home from work most days. I never admitted that to him fearing he would think this wasn’t me and we needed to stop.

I don’t think it was so much a problem letting go as much as a fear of putting all of this effort into it only to fail. I wasn’t sure I could do it and maybe more I was afraid he wouldn’t. To end up hurt and disappointed. Abandoned – that word again.

It got better as I grew more comfortable in our ability to do this. I think mainly in seeing how our way may look different than a lot but still fit what I need and desire. A more realistic outlook.

Fuck Practical

Beige, khaki, brown my kids make fun of my wardrobe colors. I think I choose them because they are practical. 

My panties have been mostly chosen the same way white, beige occasionally black. I don’t go with loud colors because they have to go under khaki pants. 

As with a lot of things I’ve been stepping out of my safe zone. I bought a hot pink lace thong. Love it! So girly 🙂 From now on I’m going with fun colors and if I run out of practical to go under the khakis I just won’t wear panties. 😉

As far as other clothes I realize I pick the colors I do because I like earth tones and I think I look good in them. So I’ll accessorize with the fun stuff. Maybe on the outside maybe underneath. 😉 Today my jacket my toes and my panties are hot pink. 

Dishes

I am finally heading off to bed and I stop in the kitchen and see the dishes still all over the counter. My heart sinks. I don’t want him to see this when he gets up at 3:45am. He gets up so early to go to work for us. I don’t want him to start his day this way. So I clean the kitchen before bed.

I have always wanted to do things for him EXCEPT domestic chores. That is where I fought. Run errands or some other task fine but dishes and laundry No. I so had in my mind that it was not fair to be expected to do them because I was the woman. It was all in my mind though. He never expected them done at all and certainly not because I was the woman.

He still doesn’t ask and it isn’t part of any rule or chore list. I do them because I don’t want to put any more burden on him. I want to step up in ways I haven’t before. I don’t want him to see those dishes when he wakes up in the morning.

It may not be much to most but it’s a huge thinking shift for me.

That’s The Spot

I’m lying flat against his chest, I feel him reach for my neck. I am eager with anticipation. He places his hand around the back and … it does nothing. I don’t make a sound and he drops his hand. Is he disappointed in me? He probably won’t try again. Why does it work sometimes and not others?

Just then he takes his other hand and grips the back of my neck and I melt into instant arousal. My eyes roll and I let out a deep sigh. Yeah that’s the spot.