This morning I had another “Awe Fuck!” moment. I’m still not trusting you!!! I am not trusting that you won’t leave me. I’m not trusting that you really love me as I do you. I must trust!
The other day when talking about the meltdown I had Friday you said “You want me to fight for you.” YES that is exactly it! I want you to fight for me. I want to know that you would fight for me.
Unlike my father. I know that is only my perception. I do not know what really happened but in my mind he didn’t stand up to my mother. He didn’t fight to stay for her or for us. He isn’t doing it to this day as his current wife’s family seems to take priority.
What if I say the wrong thing in the heat of the moment and you leave? Fear of conflict? Fear of telling you how I really feel and you’d be gone. I’ve always known not to make idle threats because you are not a fighter and would walk if I told you I didn’t want you. I’ve never before attributed that fear to why I hold back and don’t speak my mind and the instant there is an argument I freak.
That’s exactly it Daddy.
I’m not trusting as I should.