Needs

Communication

I need clear and honest communication to keep my brain from filling in the blanks with incorrect assumptions. I think that could be one of the biggest causes of my roller coaster emotions. 

I want to know your thoughts on things. I don’t want you to just go along with what I say without a discussion. 

I need to know that when I do express myself honestly and respectfully you will not shut me out because of it.

Structure

Yes this person that hates being told what to do and bores of routine so quickly NEEDS it. Wants it, craves it even. ONLY from you though. I will do my best to remember things on my own but I need reminders. Things often pass because I just don’t think of them. Not busy work or tasks just to be told to do something. Things that mean something to you or me.  

Consistency

The inconsistency in your moods is the other thing that really throws me for a loop. I know there are good days and bad days. There can be bad days without me feeling like you have completely shut me out. When you don’t look at me, barely talk to me and seem annoyed when I touch you it cuts VERY deep. I am sensitive I get that. Help me develop a way of dealing with times you don’t feel well. “I need space. It is not you. Could you please color me a picture while I have some time alone?” It may sound silly to you but I need that assurance.

Development

I would like to know that you are doing things to develop skills or ideas in the D/s. I know time is an issue. I am trying to be patient and it helps to see that there is some progress being made and that someday we will get to things I would like to try. I know that some of these are things that you have to learn how to do them safely before we try them. Reading books, blogs, watching videos or chatting/emailing others. I can’t be the only one to do these things. It also shows you are interested in what we are doing. 

I love you and I don’t want you to think I don’t love you as you are. I want to improve on how we interact. I also want to try new things. 

Dream Analysis

I’ve not been one to put much thought into dream analysis but it’s 5 am and I can’t sleep. I thought I would get up and try to figure out how to word something I want to talk to Daddy about but instead I am analyzing the dream I had.

In the dream some random male needs to get through a gate on a road and I hold the keys. It does seem that I am procrastinating opening it.

So here are a few possibilities I found.

 

To dream that you are a keeper of keys means a position of authority. – cityofshamballa.net

You being a gatekeeper can represent having a sense of control in your life, or the idea that having control in your life is very important to you right now   – thecuriousdreamer.com

To dream of a gatekeeper represents feelings about someone that is being very careful about letting you into their lives or business. It may also be a sign that you feel pressure to be perfect in order to get approval or make desired progress.

Negatively, a gatekeeper may reflect feelings of not being good enough or being impotent to meet certain demands. Fear of rejection.

To dream of being a gatekeeper represents how careful you are being about letting someone else make progress. Permission you are withholding until certain demands or respect is paid. Protecting something special or choosing to not “let someone in” until they’ve proven themselves.    – dreambible.com

Thankful – The Not Safe for Family Version

turkey
The typical answer I give at dinner is my family or gravy. Who isn’t thankful for gravy? I don’t like being put on the spot and I am not a mushy person so the smart ass answer is gravy. 😀

Truth is this year has just blown me away. I am truly thankful for the changes that have occurred in my marriage and myself.
So a few things I can’t tell the family I’m thankful for.

Coloring books and crayons – cause they are fun and calming

Tiggs and blankie – my tiger stuffie and blankie that bring me comfort

My Little Pony body wash – brings a smile to my face every morning

Toy drawer – all fun fun fun

Lube – cause without it Yeah Oww

FSOG – don’t groan if I hadn’t have read it we wouldn’t be where we are today

Blogging – I saw how supportive everyone was and I wondered if I would be received as well. I have been so touched by your encouragement and love.

Chat friends – we’ve formed our own little group that is so precious. We can share positives as well as trials and quite a lot of humor. 😀

I have never before shared anything really personal about my marriage or myself to anyone outside of Daddy and you all have helped my through things I have struggled with for years.

Ok I’m done and I’m not getting mushy because I don’t care for people.

Most importantly Daddy – I am just so lucky to have this man that loves me so much and was willing to go on this ride without any prior knowledge. He loves me and truly thrives off the connection we have established.

Happy Thanksgiving All!

 

Crying

  

I am happier than I recall ever being and yet I am also crying a lot lately. Every little hiccup has me in tears. I saw this today in my tumblr feed – who knew there was more than porn there. 😉 It totally makes sense for me. Instead of disguising my pain with anger I am showing it in tears.

Although I still don’t feel comfortable displaying it. Last night when I got my feelings hurt I went and sat on the edge of the bed. I really wanted to crouch down between the bed and the dresser and hide. I didn’t because I knew that would upset Daddy. I know why I want to hide. I can recall hearing as a child “If you are going to cry go somewhere else. I don’t want to see you.” That is why I usually hide in the bathroom. I don’t want to be alone. I want him to come hold me but my instinct is to go somewhere else where I can’t be seen. He did hold me last night. We are both learning. 

“I love you”

Know that these words do not come easy for me.

I have only recently been able to return the words to my father and it’s not something my mother and I exchange. Mostly because she does not say it first. As awful as it sounds it’s only in the last couple years that I have been able to say it to our kids and again it’s because they made the first move. It was easy when they were little but as they got older it became difficult. At times when they catch me off guard it is still awkward for me.

So know when it seems it I tell you a hundred times a day there is so much more behind the words. I really feel it and it just flows so freely with you. I love you Daddy. 💗

Anger

I had a miscarriage twenty two years ago and I’m still fucking mad about it.

I’m not mad it happened. I’m mad at how the whole thing played out.

After having three healthy babies I know how things work and I can see all of the obvious signs.

It started with spotting and a call to the doctor. Bed rest for the day call back tomorrow. I did that and then that evening I felt a gush and then there was bleeding. I know now my water broke. It was a long trip to the ER where my parents were waiting. Waiting and waiting in the ER for my doctor to respond. Eventually it was decided I was to be admitted and she would see me the next day. I asked if I had a miscarriage. They said there was still hope for the pregnancy. They lied.

After I was settled in a room Daddy finally went home. It was early in the morning and he needed to get some rest and take care of the cat because we left in a huge hurry.

When the nurse came around I asked when breakfast was and she told me I couldn’t have it because they were waiting to find out if the doctor wanted to do a D&C. I KNEW what that was. I asked “Did I have a miscarriage?” “Yes” she said casually as she went about her duties. I WAS FUCKING ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT BLAME YOU DADDY! It was NOT your fault. They had every opportunity to tell us while you were there. They didn’t. They lied and said there was hope when it was obviously in my chart.

The doctor didn’t show up until very late in the afternoon. Trust me I did not use her again.

This was my first hospital stay and my first time being put under anesthesia. I remember waking up with my legs propped up bent at the knees. I couldn’t see because they take your glasses. At that moment it was officially over. Our baby was really gone.

Why did they treat me like that? Was that normal? Was it because I was so young? Did they think it was an accidental pregnancy that didn’t matter? Was it just a compound of idiots? No one wanted to tell me the truth until that one nurse and at that moment I was not prepared for it. I had no one with me!!

As the date approaches I think of it. On that day I do not dwell on it because it is our daughter’s birthday. One year to the day that our Angel was gone I gave birth to our daughter. Twenty-one this year. Finally a drinking buddy! 😉

I can’t help but think while I write this that the anger is easier to deal with. It’s a distraction. I think about the pain and then I turn my thoughts to how I was treated instead.