High School or the Matrix

I hated high school. I stuck with my best friend and my boyfriend who were both a year ahead of me. So freshman through junior year I hung with them and a small group in their grade. My senior they were both gone and I had broken up with him. I had enough credits to only go a half day and I ended up graduating a semester early when my mother put me in to college early. It was an attempt to get me started before marrying Daddy. 😉 So I spent very little time there that year.

I didn’t enjoy it because I don’t make friends easy and I can’t stand the groups and the drama. I also really hate feeling left out. REALLY hate it.

I don’t have many friends. Those that I spend any time with are family and on rare occasion the best friend mentioned above. I spend all of my time with Daddy. I usually don’t have a problem with it but sometimes I just long for a female friend to chat with.

I find it much easier to open up to people online. It’s safer to type than talk in person. I have “met” some great people. I have shared more about myself than anyone other than Daddy. Some I chat nightly with and would really love to meet but honestly I think it would be awkward and a drink would be needed to loosen up. 🙂

So I’ve spent the last eight months in an online group chatting and it has been really fun. I have met lots of great people and am forming a closer relationship with some. The problem I have is it very much feels like high school. I’ve found a few people I like and can open up to but there is a clique. Some I don’t think I have much in common with but I still HATE being left out. I can post something and it will get no responses. Another posts and everyone has to praise them.

So why do I stay? I have made contact with most that I care about on a personal basis so I don’t really need to be there but I still go and lurk. I long for the way it was or maybe it was just the way I perceived it at the time. As a newbie I felt included. As it went on not as much. When I was new it seemed like a place to be free and now it feels dictated. Maybe my eyes are opened and I just can’t ignore it any longer.   

Daddy says I know I’m in the matrix and I kinda like being there but I don’t like being told what to do.

I’ve seen the real world. It is real and open talking with the friends I made over there and it includes the bloggers I follow. They consist of wonderful people that encourage open thinking.
I’m struggling to still live partially in the matrix but it’s making me sad. I told Daddy I don’t know why I care.

I don’t know a rambling rant today.

*edited to add
The blogging community has been great and because of all of you I know I don’t need the other site. The support here has been heartwarming.
Just something I need to get out and see that I have nothing to prove there.
I care and I want to belong too much and that is probably something I will never get over.


18 thoughts on “High School or the Matrix

  1. We all struggle with being left out. Or at least I know I do. As long as Daddy sees my posts that is usually all I need. My posts are usually my feelings out for all to see. So as long as Daddy sees them he knows how I am feeling and that makes me happy.

    I’m not one to make friend easily either. I feel when I let people in they see what a mess I am and change their minds. So I’m left hurt and alone anyways.

    It’s natural to want to have friends. To have people who truly understand and don’t judge but living in a Ds life you are opening yourself up to judgements. You have to learn to walk away and just allow the positive.

    Liked by 2 people

    • It’s silly because I know they aren’t worth my time. I feel like I wanna prove something to them but I know they don’t care anyway. I know what I need to do but just haven’t gotten there yet. This is like trying to convince myself. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Blogging is such a conundrum sometimes. I always feel so silly after I post. Like what I wrote was stupid and everyone who reads will think I’m a freak. I write from such an emotional place that my posts are mainly for me but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t look to see if it got any likes. I love the circle of friends we have on here – there are so many hugs and hand squeezes given out and even though we all come from various places, we have several things in common. It’s hard not to feel left out sometimes and I’ll try to do a better job. 😉


    • It’s not here blogging it’s another forum community. Hundreds there and I get no response but if I post on my blog where I have less than 50 followers and I get all kinds of good feedback.
      Just coming to terms with the clique mentality and why I’m still there.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. It’s way past ‘late’ where I am. So please forgive any awkwardness 😉
    I think part of the problem of feeling left out and seeking to be included stems in childhood when we didn’t get the attention we needed. My mom was heavily depressed and my dad physically abusive. I always tried to be a good girl, hoping to get approval. It didn’t come often.
    Notice I didn’t say the attention we *wanted* but *needed*. People react differently to lack of childhood affection, some become arrogant show-offs, others just shily want to be included. All seek to be seen for who they are. Accepted.
    One of the few good things my ex taught me is ‘not everyone will like you, and it’s Ok’
    People who don’t respect you don’t deserve your respect. If you need to ‘win’ to ‘earn’ their attention, then they don’t deserve your energy, as you figured out.
    Don’t justify yourself to people. Because people who care are not important and people who are important in your life don’t care. They’ll love you regardless. I know it doesn’t quite sound like I want it to. :-/
    I’ll try to come back to it tomorrow 😉
    Tl:dr : you’re awesome just the way you are, don’t let anyone make you feel any less!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I keep trying to figure that out and I think I had attention as a child. I know I was like this then too. I always had to go in earlier than all the other kids and I would beg my best friend not to go play with the others once I went in. Horrible but I didn’t want to be left out.
      Thanks and you need sleep. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • I do need sleep. That’s a fact. But I don’t regret it one bit, I had wild nights 3 times out of the last 4 🙂

        Then… I don’t know. But what I meant was as a baby/toddler… I didn’t realise it until much later in my case, but I know for example that my mom was forced to not come to us when we cried at night, on the grounds that we were supposed to learn the difference between day and night. We were a few days/weeks old. I wouldn’t know about it had my mom not shared this with me at some point.

        Any how… good luck figuring it out!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I hated high school. And middle school. The drama was a complete nuisance and I was not skilled (or gave a crap) at navigating the popular girl BS. Therefore, I’m also not drawn to that drama as an adult. At different times in my life I have found myself with few girlfriends because not many can tolerate my completely frank opinions.

    Keep moving, my friend. Devote your energy to those that seem interested. Delete yourself out those forums to resist temptation to get drawn in.

    Liked by 1 person

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