I hated high school. I stuck with my best friend and my boyfriend who were both a year ahead of me. So freshman through junior year I hung with them and a small group in their grade. My senior they were both gone and I had broken up with him. I had enough credits to only go a half day and I ended up graduating a semester early when my mother put me in to college early. It was an attempt to get me started before marrying Daddy. 😉 So I spent very little time there that year.
I didn’t enjoy it because I don’t make friends easy and I can’t stand the groups and the drama. I also really hate feeling left out. REALLY hate it.
I don’t have many friends. Those that I spend any time with are family and on rare occasion the best friend mentioned above. I spend all of my time with Daddy. I usually don’t have a problem with it but sometimes I just long for a female friend to chat with.
I find it much easier to open up to people online. It’s safer to type than talk in person. I have “met” some great people. I have shared more about myself than anyone other than Daddy. Some I chat nightly with and would really love to meet but honestly I think it would be awkward and a drink would be needed to loosen up. 🙂
So I’ve spent the last eight months in an online group chatting and it has been really fun. I have met lots of great people and am forming a closer relationship with some. The problem I have is it very much feels like high school. I’ve found a few people I like and can open up to but there is a clique. Some I don’t think I have much in common with but I still HATE being left out. I can post something and it will get no responses. Another posts and everyone has to praise them.
So why do I stay? I have made contact with most that I care about on a personal basis so I don’t really need to be there but I still go and lurk. I long for the way it was or maybe it was just the way I perceived it at the time. As a newbie I felt included. As it went on not as much. When I was new it seemed like a place to be free and now it feels dictated. Maybe my eyes are opened and I just can’t ignore it any longer.
Daddy says I know I’m in the matrix and I kinda like being there but I don’t like being told what to do.
I’ve seen the real world. It is real and open talking with the friends I made over there and it includes the bloggers I follow. They consist of wonderful people that encourage open thinking.
I’m struggling to still live partially in the matrix but it’s making me sad. I told Daddy I don’t know why I care.
I don’t know a rambling rant today.
*edited to add
The blogging community has been great and because of all of you I know I don’t need the other site. The support here has been heartwarming.
Just something I need to get out and see that I have nothing to prove there.
I care and I want to belong too much and that is probably something I will never get over.