Anger

I had a miscarriage twenty two years ago and I’m still fucking mad about it.

I’m not mad it happened. I’m mad at how the whole thing played out.

After having three healthy babies I know how things work and I can see all of the obvious signs.

It started with spotting and a call to the doctor. Bed rest for the day call back tomorrow. I did that and then that evening I felt a gush and then there was bleeding. I know now my water broke. It was a long trip to the ER where my parents were waiting. Waiting and waiting in the ER for my doctor to respond. Eventually it was decided I was to be admitted and she would see me the next day. I asked if I had a miscarriage. They said there was still hope for the pregnancy. They lied.

After I was settled in a room Daddy finally went home. It was early in the morning and he needed to get some rest and take care of the cat because we left in a huge hurry.

When the nurse came around I asked when breakfast was and she told me I couldn’t have it because they were waiting to find out if the doctor wanted to do a D&C. I KNEW what that was. I asked “Did I have a miscarriage?” “Yes” she said casually as she went about her duties. I WAS FUCKING ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT BLAME YOU DADDY! It was NOT your fault. They had every opportunity to tell us while you were there. They didn’t. They lied and said there was hope when it was obviously in my chart.

The doctor didn’t show up until very late in the afternoon. Trust me I did not use her again.

This was my first hospital stay and my first time being put under anesthesia. I remember waking up with my legs propped up bent at the knees. I couldn’t see because they take your glasses. At that moment it was officially over. Our baby was really gone.

Why did they treat me like that? Was that normal? Was it because I was so young? Did they think it was an accidental pregnancy that didn’t matter? Was it just a compound of idiots? No one wanted to tell me the truth until that one nurse and at that moment I was not prepared for it. I had no one with me!!

As the date approaches I think of it. On that day I do not dwell on it because it is our daughter’s birthday. One year to the day that our Angel was gone I gave birth to our daughter. Twenty-one this year. Finally a drinking buddy! 😉

I can’t help but think while I write this that the anger is easier to deal with. It’s a distraction. I think about the pain and then I turn my thoughts to how I was treated instead. 

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18 thoughts on “Anger

  1. Oh sweet Tora I can totally relate to you in this post. When our Jesse died after being left in labor for 50 hours by the horse’s asses that treated me. I was given no answers other than “life’s a football game and sometimes you miss the pass” – NO SHIT. An intern told me that was how I was to look at it. The mother*&*& sang a different tune when he realized this 18 year old called his ass to a meeting with the Board of Directors of the Hospital.

    They assumed I was young and therefore must not be worth the time to talk to. As I told them that day, there was nothing they could say or do that would change the outcome for me but I wanted them all to see this face and remember for the rest of their lives that their inaction cost me a son.

    I hug you tight my lovely friend. We overcame this and we are stronger women for it. We will fight for those young women behind us to make sure they are told the truth and receive the care they are entitled too. I am the one who gets called to the hospital when my family is admitted – they know I will be their advocate. There are a couple of hospitals in Chicago that would prefer I never come there again – tough shit!

    Liked by 2 people

    • That is just insane to compare any life to a game but especially to a grieving mother.

      At some point at the suggestion of a counselor I obtained records from the hospital. I don’t know what I thought would come of it and I don’t remember them revealing much. There was no error on their part other than poor bedside manner.

      I still avoid that hospital but it is the closest and I know in an emergency it would be where we would be taken.

      The same Christmas tree on the roof gets me every year.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. My sweet Princess…
    I ached reading this. It hurt, for you and because it reminded me of so many things. Like having to wait for 3 days knowing my baby was dead inside of me, because it wasn’t a medical emergency so the D&C couldn’t be scheduled over the weekend. Except if I started to hemorrhage, of course, so I spent 3 days fearing that I may start hemorrhaging, during the night (who’d take care of my kids?), or during the day (how would I explain the hemorrhage to my kids?). And then, being told that I needed to wait until the OR ws clear, knowing that I was waiting for some aesthetic surgery to be over, because the surgeon wasn’t happy with the results, so he had decided to start over. And all the while, I was fasting, with a dead baby in my tummy. And then, the surgeon asked, when they came to pick me up to take me to the OR “Is this the missed abortion?”. Excuse me, this isn’t an abortion! I actually wanted this baby. She was supposed to be born on my 30th birthday! I now know it is the medical term. But it still hurt, and I still think they could have handled the whole thing much better.
    Or when it was decided by my doc that I needed to take some meds to help me keep the pregnancies afer a 4th miscarriage… and a doctor in a different country refused because ‘it’s not written in the book, there is no proof this med has any effect and isn’t recommended’. Even when this med had been given routinely a decade earlier, and there was no known risk from it. It was just considered that it was too expensive I guess. So I spent a week hoping that my baby was going to stay put until I managed to see a different doc who said: no noticeable side effects, possible benefits, we used it routinely, here you go Ma’am. Sigh!
    The number of stories I have personally with docs or systems disregarding women as mothers or mothers-to-be… 😦
    Unfortunately, I didn’t have a Daddy to be by my side through it all. But that was my cross to bear or to lay down, and at the time, I decided to bear it.

    Sorry I took over with my story :-/

    What I wanted to say is this: I agree with your latest statement: it is probably easier to be angry than to face the pain. Maybe even more because you don’t feel like you have the right to be sad on that day, because it is a joyful birthday.

    Does your daughter know about the loss? Do your children know they have another sibling that they never met?

    I speak about it with my kids. They know. And to calm my youngest down, I explained that, yes, it is a sad thing that these babies never grew to be held by me, if they had been born, I would never have met the beautiful children I have now, because I would probably never have had that many children. So I mourn the loss, but rejoice in having had the opportunity to meet the beautiful children I DO have.

    It took a while for me to get there. It took me naming them, praying for them, and releasing them. It took me holding them in my arms, connecting with them once or twice during meditation.

    I am confident that you will find that peace as well.
    That is my wish for you.
    Sending lots of love your way.
    XOXOXO

    Liked by 1 person

    • thank you 🙂 same to you
      yes they do know. we dont talk a lot about it but they know and there is a special christmas ornament that goes on the tree every year.
      i want to talk to Daddy about it some time soon. it just seems that we are level with everything now and i want to talk about what we felt then. will be very emotional though.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’m sure it will, but it should be interesting to share what you experienced, each in your own way.
        I remember my ex realising only during our attempt at couple’s therapy (just before we split) how important this experience had been for me. That was more than a decade after the fact. He never thought to inquire before then! (Yeah, he’s an ass, but you knew that 😉 ).
        My thoughts are with you while you explore this with him. But your couple will come out stronger, I’m certain.
        XO

        Like

  3. I had a miscarriage on Christmas Eve after a long bout of trying for that baby. That hospital visit was one of the worst experiences of my life. I was out of state and alone. The doctor was good but the nurses for horrific. Hugs. I remember what that feeling was like. -belle

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am sorry you had to experience this. For what it’s worth, whether you go to hospital because of a miscarriage or something else, Christmas time is pretty bad, because the teams are stretched to the max, everyone being/wanting to be on holidays. I had a few pretty bad experiences around Christmas too, and having little support at home or being with family but away from home and moving from one town to the next, thus one hospital to another, was very tough. More than 15 years later, I still haven’t healed.
      I’m sending you hugs, hoping you manage to heal that hurt faster than me.
      XO

      Liked by 1 person

  4. This Christmas will be 2 years. Sigh. Miscarriages are not treated like a normal loss of life. For me it was devastating. It was the loss of our baby and of hope after so long trying. Sometimes I don’t understand how compassion, even if they don’t mean it or feel it, is so hard for some people. -belle

    Liked by 1 person

    • i’m sorry. i think no one knows what to say when a child dies and it’s even more awkward when it’s a miscarriage.
      i ran across a site yesterday that instructed doctors on what they should and shouldn’t say. you would think that was basic schooling.

      Like

  5. I feel your pain as if it happened today. My wife was a closet alcoholic. None of her family, colleagues or friends mention anything to me about her drinking yet they all knew. My first inkling there might be a problem was right after the ceremony her father said “now she is your problem”. It was after the funeral that I confronted her murderers, yes I called each one of the a murderer, and they admitted they knew but didn’t know or want to do anything. It took over 20 years to finally write about their inaction and the pain it caused. Peace.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Tora — just wanted to say I’ve been intoxicated by your blog. This post really affected me, though. I also lost my first to miscarriage and was given the runaround by my OB. Not to the degree you experienced. Four healthy children (with two more miscarriages mixed in) later, it’s still VERY hard to think back on. Thanks for sharing your life with us!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. I have found it’s a club that a lot are a part of but don’t talk much about.
      I have been following yours and I don’t really have much to contribute. I do hope you are able to move forward and find peace. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

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