The art fair didn’t really go as I had hoped. I think we both really underestimated how uncomfortable and worried he would be about being seen there. I didn’t feel he was present with me and instead of feeling led by him I felt shoved to the forefront.
Lately he has been very good at taking my hand and leading me. In tight spaces letting me walk behind him. I much prefer that. However, I guess being nervous he forgot that and was constantly behind me and pushing me to take the lead. I was completely mad and frustrated.
This scenario has taken place many times before and it definitely felt that we had fallen into old ways. We eventually left and had a very silent trip home.
It was already later than his usual bedtime and I knew that he would want to avoid a discussion and go to bed. I also knew that I would spend the entire night crying like my life was over. So I baited him into an argument. I know not submissive but I was going to get him to talk and get this train back on the tracks.
He felt I was pissy all night because he didn’t notice my outfit. It was a fairly civil discussion. I tried not to blame but at times just blurting out how I felt was all I could do.
I told him that I was self-conscious in that outfit but I planned it for him and knew if he liked it that was all that mattered. When he made no comment I spent the evening feeling like everyone was staring at me. I told him I didn’t feel like he was paying any attention to me or the art. That it seemed he was looking over his shoulder the whole time. I told him I wanted to relax and be led around by my Daddy. He was making me lead and I didn’t feel my Daddy was there with me.
Eventually the talking and crying led to kissing and touching. Great but we ran into another old issue. Over the years I have had issues when we have been intimate. His soft touches on my skin make me tighten up, I become rigid and I fist my hands up. I want to scream or cry and jerk away. This obviously does little for his self-esteem. It has been handled many ways. Usually he would stop but that upset me further because I really didn’t want the intimacy to stop. He would be very sweet and ask what was wrong and all that and that just frustrated the fuck out of me. Yeah I can see he was in a no win situation. So that night he just stopped and we laid there and I blurted out “touch me harder”. “You want it rough?” Knowing that we have not fully defined what each of us considers that to be I wanted to make a distinction. I said “At least firmer.” He proceeded with a firmer touch and we ended satisfied and reconnected.
The touching issue is something I need to explore further but I add it here because it was another point in the evening that I was finally able to say what I thought I needed. I didn’t just tell him how his actions upset me but for most of them I could understand and express why they made me feel that way.
I was disappointed because I thought we had fallen into our old way of behaving but Kay’s post on Old Threads made me realize that while there is still some of that there we really have come a long way.
Growth is my goal for the year. I believe we are doing quite well.