As much as i’ve been peaceful and happy reflecting on the last year i have also just been slightly anxious lately.
I nearly had a mini meltdown at the grocery store trying to decide on something quick for dinner and all the way home all I thought about was what i wanted. When i got home and knelt in front of him he did hold me but the usual effort was not there. I focused on the fact i wasn’t getting what i wanted. Daddy’s attention and cuddles. He got frustrated with me and dinner was silent and as he left for church I was curled up in a ball. He kissed me and gave me a hug but after he left I retreated to the bathroom – my cry zone.
I did not stay there long. I was determined to change my mood so I went to take a bath. I calmed myself in the dark listening to a meditation playlist. It was soothing despite the dog whining and barking at the door because he was sure I had drowned or disappeared off the face of the earth. I thought about how selfish I was and how I disregarded the obvious pain and discomfort on his face.
So I’m quiet and Zen and Spotify throws a random song into the playlist. Happy by Pharrell. First I’m annoyed then I can’t help but laugh. It really is what i need and so I tub dance. My moves are serious underwater. 😉
I had everything ready for his bedtime when he got home but the evening didn’t really get any better. The touch thing came up and I tried to explain and felt disregarded. It was not the time for a serious discussion and he went to bed. I will write it out and ask for time to talk. I will also ask what he thinks we can do when we are both feeling off at the same time. That is when things fall apart. I’m a mess and need his direction and extra touch and he isn’t feeling up to any of that. Then we clash out of frustration.