Talk to the Hand

You think you are so cute in your Uncle Sam hat. Hmmppfff!! Well I will no longer acknowledge your cute outfits. Your bunny ears, your halloween costume, you pulling Santa’s sled. I cannot bear to look at you. You ruined our relationship with that political sign next to you. How could you?!

I am no longer speaking to you Mr. Stone Lion. 

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Letting Go Peacefully

My tag line says a journey into D/s but more than anything this has been a journey about personal growth. Exploring why I am the way I am and learning to change what I don’t like. Once again I’ve been presented with a means of looking at my own insecurities and a choice in handling it. You know what? It is not fucking easy! Growth better watch it or it will become the new “P word”. 

I’ve been dwelling over the likelihood that I have lost a friend. I waited for her to come to me. After weeks I made a general FB post that if she saw she would know was for her. Not even a like, though there is the possibility she didn’t see it. So I sent a little message just a comment on what she was doing. I was testing the waters without addressing the issue. I have had no response. 

Yesterday I realized that I am looking at this from my perspective only. If I push my hurt aside I can see that I have put her in a bad position. I am up against someone that will make her choose. There is no logical reason it should be me. I am one to the many. We have never met in person. They have. More people are involved than just her and I. I can accept it. It stings but I can wish her well and mean it. 

I sent her one last message letting her know this. I was going to post it here and hope she read it. A way of avoiding it. No I have to be direct. I sent it via pm. 

Now I move on knowing the choices I’ve made are my own just as hers are her own. I am wondering if I should remove her from my FB. For my own sake because it’s just a constant reminder.  

What Men Crave – John Wineland

I ran across this video through an elephant journal article. (Video link at the bottom) http://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/06/what-men-want-from-women-but-rarely-ask-for/

Love it and have watched it several times. I will be exploring more of his work now. I know there are a few follow up videos. 
 

We want to be called to a place where we can be your heros.

We don’t want to be told what book to read, what seminar to go to what therapist we should see. We want you to show us how painful it is when we don’t show up for you.

HA HA I really got that one time and again when I pushed in this journey. 

Find the one thing that you can trust about us that day and honor us with that. Because the thing that we want most the thing that we love most is to feel you trust us and that you would let us lead you anywhere. And find some way to continually surrender. …. Surrender. Surrender your heart surrender your life surrender your body. Surrender. And to do that requires tremendous courage and boldness that we both respect and get turned on by. So find new ways to surrender.

This hit be big. My mantra ends with the line from a song “Such a beautiful surrender.”

You have every right to be angry. And now what do you want to create with us.

It is acknowledged that history did not treat us right. There is no sense in still viewing men as the enemy. Time to move on. 

Listen and don’t just get caught up in his voice and yummy beard. 😉

Friendship

I have felt sad and guilty that my actions have caused consequences for others. I have been reminded several times by this friend that she is responsible for her own actions. She chose to speak up. It was important to her and I am grateful. 
   
    
   

Blessed

Today’s Daddy note “Feel Blessed Today!”
I thought I would take it as a writing assignment. 

I am married to the most wonderful man who has always been my biggest supporter. He always encourages me to be me. He has embraced being my Daddy and that has strengthened our connection more than imagined.

I have wonderful amazing daughters. I am enjoying the changes as they become adults.

I have a roof over my head, food and transportation. 

My family and friends well and relatively drama free.

I have awesome pets.

I have made some wonderful friends online while on this journey. Some have made sacrifices as they have stuck by me and I am grateful. 

There’s No Crying In…

 
Yoga?

Daddy and I went to our first yoga session yesterday. We have not discussed how we liked it because we were not really talking. 

It was all mixed signals. Most of it came from the fact that the both of us were nervous about the class. We do not do well when the both of us is uncomfortable or nervous about something. I know that it will keep presenting itself until we deal with it. We will eventually figure it out.

I had really tried to find clothes that he would be comfortable wearing. He did not communicate his desires along the way. I was working on layering shorts so he would not be exposed (aka protecting my territory) and finally yesterday morning via text he says he does not feel comfortable in shorts. I suggested the pants he wears as pajamas. When we were getting ready he got upset when I said there was no place to change there and he didn’t want to wear the pants to the place. I’m stressed about going and hormonal and it felt like I couldn’t do anything right. I told him he could just not go if he didn’t want to. That shut it down right there. No communicating and we went to yoga and I had to muster up the courage to do it alone. He was there but things weren’t good with us so I felt alone. I introduced us to the yoga teacher and went about getting set up and we did not talk. 

It was a slow restorative yoga session and at one point we are stretched out lying on a bolster and I cannot stop the silent tears from falling. Luckily it was dark and no one noticed except maybe him. Between him and still some fall out from the other place debacle I couldn’t hold it back. I did enjoy the class but I hope not to be crying every time.