I enjoy self-help books that give me a new insight into myself. This one is on the relationship aspects of D/s. Very little talk about sex included. There were several things that made me reflect on my actions especially what the author referred to as toggling where the s is taking back the power in ways they may not realize.
*Thanks to Beth for suggesting this book!
For instance, if the S-type decides to go against an agreement with the L-type (and against their word) and handle the situation the way they prefer instead, they are actually:
-rejecting the authority of their L-type (Leading) partner;
-rejecting the decision made by their L-type (along with the effort and time spent to make that decision);
-rejecting the service of their L-type;
-taking away the control they gave over to their L-type, when they had committed it to them; and
-making decisions that will affect both partners –against the L-type’s will and knowledge.
The L-type partner may have a multi-faceted reaction to this. They feel that their service and care has been disregarded. They feel that their partner’s word to them was broken; they feel trust that they gave was breached; and they feel foolish or question themselves for being so trusting. The pain that happens to an L-type when the S-type continues to disregard what they have agreed to is brutal. As mentioned earlier, L-types are sensitive people and take their service seriously. When they give, they give their effort, time, and thought, and they give it from their heart. That is always, always a gift. Remember that many of them have trust issues coming into the relationship and they take more time to be vulnerable with their partner. There can be times when the S-type begins to disregard requests from their partner or fails to uphold their part of agreements that have been made between the two of them.
This causes a damaging “push-pull” or “toggling” effect, with the S-type taking back the “Control Shift” between the two without notice. Don’t be confused –this is a clear power struggle.