Training Myself

I am responsible for my submission. Part of my mantra. I would love to say I remember that at all times but … please.

Tuesday I cried on and off all day. I texted and asked to talk about it and he said Yes but he already made the commitment. I responded with Forget it then. Come on by now he knows I’m not just forgetting it. Lol Yesterday I decided to meet him for lunch and I figured we could have a calm discussion about the situation. That approach has worked in the past but not this time. When I left him back at work I did not want to send my usual text check-ins as to where I was. I was pissed and hurt and trying to check-out. I sent them anyway. Later when I burnt my finger on the glue gun I wasn’t going to tell him but eventually I let Daddy know and he sent instructions on taking care of it.

Last night when he got home I asked to go for a walk. We have had many discussion while walking. We didn’t say a word to each other. He was still tense and on the defense from lunch.

Later in the evening I was fuming. I was messaging friends about how mad I was and how ridiculous I thought he was behaving. I had had enough. I put down my phone and intended to go into the bedroom and just let him have it. Staying submissive and in my role wasn’t working so That Bitch was taking over.

But as I stood and I walked down the hall another me, the real me, knew that wasn’t the way to go. I shut the bedroom door and he was in the shower so I had more time to calm. I stripped naked and knelt in his pathway from the bathroom. I went over and over in my head what I should say as my opening line. I knew he would probably still be defensive. He might be thinking I’m trying to manipulate him. I had to be calm and soft but stand firm in getting out what I needed to say.

When he came out he walked past me. I stayed. I was certain that he would not ignore me. Hmm was I certain? I think I was which is a breakthrough in itself. He came back and had taken all of his clothes off. He reached for my hand and took me to the bed. He wanted me to curl up next to him but I needed to sit up and look at him. I think I started with “Daddy I need to know that my feelings are heard and that you listen to them.”

He listened. Some of it was the particular situation and another part was in how the situation was handled. He did not have a lot to say and I don’t think it will change his decision on the matter but I know that he heard me. I know it will be something he thinks on.

The entire thing wasn’t handled in some perfect D/s checklist manner. He isn’t perfect and I am certainly not either. I wanted to check out more than once. At the height of frustration I wanted to rage but naked and soft was the way. I am responsible for my submission. I brought this to him and I have to continue to bring it every damn day.


15 thoughts on “Training Myself

  1. Been there. More times than I would like to admit. I feel the same way, I brought this and I need to be the consistent one when life seems not to let us be consistent in ALL matters. Meh, easier said than done. Barney told me today I don’t need to be all responsible because years ago I brought this to him. Needless to say another interesting discussion ensued. ANYWHO….good to hear you felt heard- that is so important!


    Liked by 2 people

  2. You’re imperfections are actually perfect.
    I’m glad you share them.
    Submission can be one of the hardest damn things ever… ESPECIALLY when it’s in those Non-sexy fun times

    Thank you for keeping it real. I think you are probably helping people more than you know by sharing

    Liked by 3 people

    • No perfect image here. I have been dismissed by others for not doing it their way. My hope is that my story will help someone else that might be struggling with the fact they aren’t exactly matching up to the fantasy.

      Liked by 3 people

  3. One of the books I read and I honestly don’t remember which one it is right now, but one of the books I read on submission said, if it’s always easy, it isn’t really submitting.. I don’t know if that will help you or not, but it was a bit of a mantra for me

    Liked by 1 person

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