Shame

I would like to say this weekend was good but it wasn’t. A disagreement Friday night flowed until Sunday afternoon. It was the third weekend in a row that has started like this and to be blunt I lost my shit. To me it was not what started it but how he handled it. It was in a way I have said feels like abandonment. Therefore in my own mind he has crossed a limit repeatedly and I was putting the babygirl away. I was laying that brick wall. 


Hindsight I overreact but in that moment I feel so alone and I justify it with the fact I’ve expressed to him how it makes me feel. It feels like the end of the world and I don’t want to go on in these times. However that is no excuse. 


This scenario plays out repeatedly and it drives me mad. However I’m guilty. 


I cannot change him. I can’t do it. I don’t think it is wrong to want the situation to play out differently but as with everything I only have the power to change how I act. 

Ultimately I am not TRUSTING him. Obvious maybe but I didn’t realize it until today. In these moments I panic and I feel like he is abandoning me. NEVER ONCE has he truly abandoned me. NEVER! 

We are good now. Yet I feel ashamed at how much I was withdrawing. Truthfully I can’t put “her” away. She isn’t really separate. She is me. A part of me I denied for far too long and she most definitely needs her Daddy. 

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9 thoughts on “Shame

  1. You must also acknowledge your strength for when you most wanted to turn away you made the decision to turn towards..towards him. The journey of understanding our little vulnerable side is paradoxical I think for she is also our strength…

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I will only speak of what I know: the person it took me longest to forgive is myself.
    Don’t be ashamed of how you acted or reacted. It was what you needed at the time to come to the point where you are now.
    Take the shame in stock, realise what you need to do to change it, then move on to improving the situation. Holding on to the shame doesn’t serve any purpose, it just makes everyone around feel bad.
    So says the one who told a man not long ago he didn’t have to fuck her if he didn’t feel like it because she is ashamed of the weight she gained. Again (talking about the shame, not the weight).
    XO

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Well, I can’t “like” this 😔 I am sorry you had a bad weekend. Be patient with yourself and your Daddy, we are all imperfect humans. (((Hugs to you))) talk it over when you both are able to do so calmly, sounds like there are underlying issues that need to be acknowledged.

    Liked by 1 person

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