He took my shoes off

It’s weird how things just kind of become rituals. Lately it has been that on Friday nights he takes me shoes off. I guess because Fridays I wear tied shoes to work. The past several weeks he has been gone and I have had to take my own off. 😦

Tonight he was home and when he pointed to the floor I thought that was what he meant so i sat on the bed and held up my foot. He pointed to the ground again and said Kneel. Oh lol I knelt before him and caressed the top of my head. He thanked me for being so patient this week and apologized for being gone so much. It really helped to calm my mood. He helped me up and then told me to sit and give him my foot.

I knelt by his chair while we ate and after I snuggled in his lap for a while. While there I told him that I was trying very hard to be his good girl but that I had been struggling this week. *I felt guilty getting praised while knowing I had been in such turmoil. When I put him to bed he once again asked me to remain patient with him. He told me it helped him to see me happy.

I will keep trying. In all his worries he still takes my shoes off.

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caged

inside what i don’t know
my head my insecurities, my comparisons i know should not take place but i am powerless to stop them

my disappointment in myself

my struggle to remain patient because that is what you need

my desire not to be the straw that breaks the camel’s back

sweet sweet gestures and i know thoughts of me and yet i still struggle like it’s just not satiating the need in me right now and you are NOT to blame

 

i can’t even pinpoint which part i am struggling the most with or it is just an accumulative effect that i cannot take right now

to ask you is to put one more thing on your plate and i know you are struggling so very hard right now too

but your struggle needs space and my struggle needs attachment

i cannot wait two weeks for the alone time – as in i am excited and i fear that i cannot hold this back for that long

i fear bursting and i am trying so very hard to be your good patient girl

i don’t resent you i am not disappointed in you i actually feel those things toward myself

i am just so needy of your time of your touch of control of just being able to let you know what is racing in my mind right now – time and stress means i know it is not appropriate and i’m honestly ashamed at the things racing in my head that i feel are stupid and to burden you with what feels like repetitive insecurities

i know i can come to you with anything but i also recognize when you are at a breaking point

I will try i will try to keep it in check or find ways to take care of it

I try to take your burdens but i think as they get heavier neither of us are managing

If the moment allows that i think is safe i will see if i can give some or all of it to you but i know timing is also so very important

I did it anyway

I had been posting all day on FB little facts about our first date. I had made a poster board “Our first date was a softball game 25 years later…” I was going to surprise him by attending his basketball game and holding it up. I had stickers and glitter on it and everything!

So when I realized that this was not the anniversary date I was devastated. I went home instead and I cried all of the way there. My little group said I should go anyway but I thought that preposterous. It wasn’t the right date! They were very sweet and supportive and even offered to send the penguins.

I read back the texts Daddy sent when I had realized my error. He told me not to cry because he was already a mess. I had missed that part in all the tears. He was having a rough time. I felt bad that Daddy would miss out on me holding up the poster for him. Then I figured what the hell did it matter that it was the wrong date. I had already embarrassed myself by putting it all out on FB. I might as well go all out.

So I fixed my makeup, grabbed the poster and headed to the game. At half time I snuck the poster out and held it open for him to see. He had a big grin. After we took a photo with it. He said it was a very sweet surprise. Especially because it was a month early.

June 27, 1992 – Our first date NOPE!!

* I am a month early. Apparently after 25 years your mind goes too.

Fucking fuckitty fuck fuck fuck

You joked you were no MacGyver when my quarter got stuck in the pay phone. You sang along to Boot Scootin’ Boogie on the radio.

I was so nervous and shy. I barely spoke more than a few words and I wasn’t sure you would want to go out with me again.

Twenty five years seems so long and yet it has felt like the blink of an eye. I love you Daddy! ❤️