Yesterday we traveled to pick a kid up from her month long camp. Eight hours of travel time so tiring but at the same time I had a great day. The other two went with us so it was a nice trip with the original five. 🙂
On the way up we stopped for a restroom break right next door to a giant souvenir shop. One that is plastered on every billboard along the interstate for miles in each direction. I love looking through those stores but usually never stop because we get very focused on getting there and getting home. So we are literally right next door and yet we stopped at McD’s instead of the place. I really didn’t think I was displaying any disappointment but obviously that was not the case because Daddy repeatedly asked me “What’s wrong?” To which I replied “Nothing.” As we were getting back in the car he asked me if I wanted to go over there. Yes I said barely above a whisper. “Ok we will go check it out” and we drove over. As we were walking in he stopped me and said “Next time don’t get upset. Just ask.” I felt bad.
I have a hard time asking for things. As a child I was often chastised just for asking. So the phrase Doesn’t hurt to ask really wasn’t true for me. I still carry that and honestly it sometimes held true with him as well. He never wants to disappoint me so he has shown displeasure when I ask for something he can’t give. So I was in the habit of just not asking if I thought he wouldn’t be happy with me. Of course that created frequent disappointment for the both of us. I was often upset and he had no idea why and he really wasn’t given the opportunity to make me happy by fulfilling my request
These are hard habits to break. On both sides. However, just as I am asking him to trust me and allow me to show that I am changing I must give the same to him. I think in many areas I still dance around trying to prevent any discourse that I may also prevent any display of progress. Yes there could be stumbles but usually that is were the most growth happens. I just might be prohibiting the changes I seek. There is another area that I have pulled back from for the same reasons. I think it is time to put more faith in the progress we have both made.
OK SO…. we go to the great shop of candy and crap. Lol In the stuffie section I see a very adorable soft and silky tiger. He is soft and squishy and so terribly cute. I showed him to Daddy and proceeded to just carry him around the store while stroking his tail. When we had looked at everything on both levels I put him back on a display of stuffies and told Daddy I put him back with his people. Daddy said “You can get him if you want.” I just kinda shrugged my shoulders. I mean I don’t need him. It seems frivolous to purchase another stuffie. Daddy said “Go get him.” So I turned around and headed back to grab him fighting back the tears in my eyes. It’s silly but it meant so much to me.
I held him the whole trip and snuggled his uber softness. When my anxiety would kick up on the road I stroked him more vigorously. I think Daddy may have noticed that too.