I didn’t want anything to change. I just wanted to get rid of the measuring stick that I seemed to be comparing us to on a daily basis. I expected that everything would continue as it was and I would feel free and light and I did for maybe a day.

I wasn’t calling it quits or giving up and yet it all fell apart. I think it was a shit storm that all came together at the right or Wrong time. I hate to always blame female hormones but damn I’m thinking I may need to be locked in a padded room at times. He was feeling an extra amount of stress from all other aspects in his life and despite it not being my intention my declaration to Fuck this Label was like the rug being pulled out from under him. His only source of stability gone. He withdrew.

I felt a shift in my thinking. Initially it was relief as I did not realize how much pressure I put on myself to be perfectly submissive. I felt like a huge weight was taken off my shoulders and then I just felt lost. He was distant and I seemed to have lost that submissive mindset that guided me. The world was dark and empty and I was alone.

It was that connection to him. My life buoy was gone and I was struggling to stay afloat. We made several attempts in those days to reach each other but they just kept falling short. I’m not even sure what it was that finally got us back in the same rhythm. I know I told him I wished that conversation never took place and that I needed him and us more than anything.

Even once our bond was restored he had a defeated look about him. I feel ashamed at how much I hurt him. Yet I know I can’t fall into the perfectionism desire. I have went about being me and giving him extra love, if there’s a level beyond smothering, lmao. Yesterday it seemed he had returned and it was amazing.

I don’t know if it was the act of discarding the label that caused all of this or it was just where we were at the time. It is painful but struggle can always be an opportunity for growth and learning. “This” is simply US and these are the tools we use to solidify our connection.


Sven – Daddy Assignment

Daddy assignment – pick a coloring page, color, tell me why you picked it and it’s background story.


This is Sven he is a very happy guy who smiles at everyone and calls them Dude. I picked him because his big smile makes me happy and he’s a dog. He is on his way back to the beach to go surfing. He rides a moped around town but he lives in his van by the beach. He picked out this moped because the seat is asparagus green and he thinks that’s funny because asparagus makes your pee smell.

*Oh and his teeth are very white and he makes his dentist proud.  – added by Emily

Naked Star Trek – A New Era

Last night’s weekly Naked Star Trek was special. It was the debut episode of the latest series Star Trek Discovery. While the debut of Enterprise had been a family affair this was not. Lol

It was Star Trek and some things were the same or familiar while telling of a different era or timeline or whatever. I enjoy the shows but I don’t follow the timelines or continuity. I like that the top two officers are female. 🙂 I’m not sure if we are going to pay to continue watching it or not. It is not going to be run on broadcast tv.

For me the moment was special. Celebrating a new series in a ritual that symbolizes a different phase in our lives.


I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before but I like animals. 🙂  In our neighborhood there is a house where a gigantic mastiff lives.  He is SO CUTE!!!  Originally he had a chaise lounge pulled up in front of the big front windows where he would be curled up napping.  Then at some point that was gone and I feared the worst. I was quite relieved when I once again spotted him in the window. Without his chair putting him at the right height it made spotting him difficult. It can be hard to get a glimpse of him if he isn’t sitting up or the sun isn’t in the right position. They haven’t made it any easier for me with the tinted windows.  I don’t know if they felt the car that would slowly pass their house was creepy or what.  Lmao   


Anyway it had been a while since I have seen him and once again I was afraid but TODAY I SAW HIM!!! He was sitting in the window when I once again made my not at all stalkerish drive by.  Hmmmmm  I did get a new car. Maybe they were just on to me. 😉

Dom Speech

The response was getting long and I had written in a while so I decided to make this a post of it’s own.

Old Post   lol This was mainly about regretting that I previously sounded like his mother. “Allowing” him to do things. That at times he still had that mentality.

I used to get annoyed with the way he said things but my thinking has changed. I enjoy is humbleness and appreciativeness. That is who he is and he is in no way arrogant. Thank goodness, he did not change that for this dynamic. I think some of that “Dom-like” behavior is simply justification for pompous attitude. I know many D’s that feel very lucky in their relationship and generously express that to their subs.

I only take issue when his comments including tone are hard on himself and he is truly dissing himself. He is his own worst critic and struggles at time with self-esteem. I make it known that I do not agree and that he is hurting me when he says these things. I believe the best leaders are those that acknowledge their weakness and accept the assistance from their teammates. We all need reminders.