Daddy and I had a conversation last night. He had surprised me by requesting two days prior that we find some time to talk. I had actually been hoping to do the same. I did not tell him I had something on my mind because I did not know if what he would say would affect whether I proceeded or not. He had picked up that things were not right lately and he wanted to know why. Except the fact that we were both already a little emotional and on guard it was a perfect lead in to what I wanted to discuss.
I rambled and babbled and I wasn’t very clear but I told him that I wasn’t sure we were D/s and I didn’t like the expectations that have come with the label. He did not agree with my thoughts on whether we fit the term. It also very much concerned him that I wanted to roll back the changes we have made. I told him that I ABSOLUTELY knew that he was my Daddy no matter what.
I said that I did not like the expectations I had for him as a Dominant. I also realized that I was holding myself to some pretty high expectations. I was beating myself up over some thinking and I was wrongly measuring my devotion to him based on how far I could submit. I told him I did not want to change us or what we have been doing. I just wanted to throw away the fucking measuring stick.
I know that not everyone is the same but time and time again I have not felt like we are even under the umbrella. D/s is a label that I so desperately wanted to wear but now it is itching the fuck out of me and I think I need to tear it out.
I understand it should not matter but I am not one to misrepresent myself and I have based this blog on the premise of a D/s relationship. I have been socializing online at D/s sites. I have enjoyed helping others starting out or those having similar situations or struggles. I do not want to feel like an imposter or that I am misrepresenting but I have feared consequences of just voicing these doubts. I really want to feel like I have contributed. However, a friend said, “The rest is for ego stroking in front of strangers.” She may not have meant it directed at me but I felt it fit. Stroking feels good, tee hee, but I am here to be real and vulnerable and connect to those that relate.
What that means for the future of those social things… I don’t know. Maybe nothing. Maybe it’s time to leave the fair.
I know I have felt lighter today.