I was reading How do we free ourselves from other people’s expectations? by Ram Dass and it gave insight as to my desires for D/s and the struggles we have had. Ram Dass says that as we grow up we are rewarded for our behavior by our caretakers, however, we don’t just see it as a measure of our behavior but also our self-worth and identity. Everyone is worthy and no one else should get to determine who you are but as Ram Dass also points out everyone has their own agenda and needs. They expect you to exist in a way that makes them comfortable.
The submissive in me wants to please Daddy but I think more than that wants Daddy to be pleased with me. D/s was a means of getting that need met for me. Here you be in charge tell me what to do give me a list of rules I will carry them out. You will be happy and in turn be happy with me and if not you can punish me but not be mad at me.
** Side note — The previous paragraph was a revelation that wasn’t there when I started typing. My truest desire is not to please him but to have him pleased with me and the desire to have him never angry with me. fuck
As I read this article I knew that Daddy had already grasped how to love without expectations. He had been doing it all along. That is why my desire for a strict D/s structure didn’t work for him. I was trying to impose on him a way he did not understand. He believed in loving me as I am. From his viewpoint who was he to direct my growth or impose his will.
What has developed or I shall say continues to develop is a way that feeds us both. Daddy provides support, encouragement, and daily reminders of his love and happiness with me. He is open about his needs so I can feel satisfaction in meeting them. Expectations that he has for me are ones that support my health and wellbeing. Boundaries typically pertain to himself. Apparently he doesn’t like me to tweak his nipples while he shaves. 🙄
Enforcement or punishment is not there because again he won’t make me comply. It is that free spirit that gives him joy. The desire and choice to obey is all mine. I am responsible for my submission. Are there times I want to stomp my babygirl feet and say “Make Me!”? Yeah but unless we are both in a playful moment that isn’t going to go well.
He doesn’t desire to direct my path and it may not be conscious but he is assisting to teach me the hardest lessons. Seek my own path not dependant on anyone else’s approval or expectations … not even his. Accept that he can be angry with me and still love me.
Sitting next to Daddy surfing while he watches tv.
me: If your chicken needs a sweater I have a pattern.
me: If your chicken needs a sweater I found a pattern.
Daddy: a l r i g h t
I think it loses something without the tone of his voice. lmao
D: “You love me. You hate me. You love me. You wanna gouge my eyes out. You wanna fuck the shit out of me.”
p: *laughing hysterically “How Do you know what day it is?”
D: “I just wing it.”
This book is set up as a daily meditation but I don’t read them daily. I’ve been working on this book for well more than a year. So when I do read I will usually do a couple. Daddy instructed to read this morning which I do enjoy. I read two and neither really hit me so I figured one more. SHEESH this one was meant for me today.
The Book of Awakening – Mark Nepo
Until We Live It
“We come with all these parts and no instructions how they go together.”
It is so tempting to want the answers before we begin the journey. We like to know our way. We like to have maps. We like to have guides. But we are more like a breathing puzzle, a living bag of pieces, and each day shows us what a piece or two is for, where it might go, how it might fit. Over time, a picture starts to emerge by which we begin to understand our place in the world.
Unfortunately, we waste a lot of time seeking someone to tell us what life will be like once we live it. We drain ourselves of vital inner fortitude by asking others to map our way. At the end of all this stalling, though, we each have to venture out and simply see what happens.
The instructions are in the living, and I confess that of all the times I thought I liked this or didn’t care for that, not one was of my choosing or yours. For as the Earth was begun like a dish breaking, eternity is that scene slowly reversing, and you and I and the things we’re drawn to are merely the pieces of God unbreaking back together.
I don’t care for change but I am in dire need of change in my workplace. I have decided to apply for a training program outside of work. It will actually get me back on the path I intended on going down 15+ years ago. I have the paper degree but not the field experience. I have Zero confidence (nothing new for me.) If accepted, this will get me specific training with a forced mentorship program. I am sick to stomach every time I think of it. Back in the classroom, homework, meeting new people, networking BLECH, and eventually changing jobs.
I have been running Daddy down with the What If’s. From not getting in, to getting in. completing, landing a job making double what I make now and Then hating it. Lmao I’m peppering a few I know in the field with questions in hopes of… I have no idea. Hope they tell me No don’t do it you won’t make it? I don’t know. Of course they have all been so positive and encouraging. DAMMIT lol
I can’t see the end. I can’t be sure if it will be worth it or not. What if I don’t get accepted. Now I’ve told all of you and I will have to tell you I failed. Where are those fucking tissues?
Daddy was being a real smart ass tonight so I said “Do I need to get the Daddy Spanker?”
I was warned but I honestly have no idea what he said. I tranced out when he grabbed my chin. tee hee