Yesterday the outlook for this year was changed. I was accepted for the training program that starts in twelve days. Since applying my current job has changed dramatically some for the good. I have mixed feelings but I also know it will be completely different if I even have a job when management finishes figuring this all out. Not even sure, I really wanted to pursue this path; I had talked myself into expecting a sense of relief when the rejection arrived. The tears that came when I saw Congratulations, and are still forming when I think about it, are more from fear. Now I have to do this.
I have a hundred “what if” fears and one of them is… What if I can’t be submissive? When life is easy and I have free time and not a lot of stress, it is much easier to surrender to him. As my days have gotten busier at work, I find it harder not to be annoyed by the Hi how are you texts that I DO so truly LOVE. I DO NOT want them to stop. (in case you are reading Daddy) I know I may have to vocalize that I am busy or just take that brief moment in peace that he is reaching out to me.
When I’m stressed, hurt or scared I tend to lash out or close him out. Neither are beneficial, neither are “soft”. I have already mentioned this fear to him and he said he would help me be submissive because he knows that is what I need and makes me happy. Just hearing him say that was a relief. I am hopeful that we have set a good foundation that will aid us in getting through this transition year. Soft is gonna be a whole lot harder than I anticipated.