Surrender is a word that catches my attention.
I didn’t fully understand the distinction when I read Rita’s early posts but now I think I am getting it. I am drawn to it.
I just keep reading this post by Dr. Dinardo over and over.

Thriving Under Pressure


Surrender is not giving up.

Surrender is not giving in.

It’s trusting in something so much bigger than yourself.

Something you can’t quite see.

Slowly unfolding.

Quietly expanding.

One peaceful, surrendering moment at a time.

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Shaking the “feeling” of an inner-City ER

He cannot argue with me here….  I AM THE LUCKY ONE!!!

i swear i cannot believe it’s only wednesday… this week has been Ruff.   in the midst of a chaotic week my phone lost all of my text messages and then when i sent one to Daddy it appeared to him to be coming from one of the kids. he was confused and when he sent “who is this” i lost it. in tears at work that was the last straw. lol  i called him and he explained and calmed me down.  yep ❤

(*disclaimer – kid is good now and everything is ok – this is about me  lol)   kid of adult age and married chose to go to an inner city emergency room instead of a county one. we have options and i am SO thankful for that. she had her reasons and maybe she would chose differently next time but my mouth is shut on making judgement. i will bite my tongue.

The point being — I haven’t got the words to describe the short amount of time i was actually in that er with her.  No I do the words are “FUCKING SCARY” .  It is nothing i’ve ever witnessed. I couldn’t imagine so many people packed in there and lining the walls. They were everywhere. There were no rooms, it was just bed and 2 flimsy curtains. We were right next to the ambulance door, like 15 feet with a 4 foot wide curtain separating us.  A call went out and the son-in-law said You are gonna want to get out of the way – like there was anywhere to go but you bet your ass i did. Well they ended up making a quick turn to the trauma area and i saw the young girl they brought in totally unconscious with her glasses falling off her slumped head. Shortly after a bunch of nurses came out and were commenting how she needed to “change her dose” and that that was the fifth time this month she had od’d. It appeared they saved her yet again.

Yeah I’m sheltered but I think it’s something probably everyone should see in real life. Feel it And now I realize that is why I can’t shake it. Being there was intense. At the desk I was given directions to her bed – which i forgot almost immediately. I navigated my way not down the hall but through the people. You really couldn’t tell where it ended. I really tried not to look at anyone. I was zoning out so much that when I got to the end and didn’t know which way to go so I spun circles until the son practically had to wave arms right in front of me to get my attention. That same totally lost look scored offers of assistance a few times in the last two days. lol

She will be ok and I’m thankful and I will worry about making our deductibles but it won’t bankrupt us. I just know so many of those aren’t so lucky. 😦

Through this as always he has been my rock. Yep I am.


Little Survey


I want to know how your Little friendships impact your life. You can post your reply in comments or make your own blog post and link me.

Has discovering other Littles had an impact on how you see yourself? Is it easier to accept this part of yourself?

Has finding other Littles helped you feel less alone in the world?

Do you find your relationships with your Little friends to be more intimate than other friendships?

Is it easier to form friendships with other Littles?

Break the Dam – * New Word

I haven’t written in some time. I’ve been stuck. Yesterday I was gonna write about being stuck and I couldn’t. I’ve shared some articles that I really wanted to expand upon but couldn’t.   I’m just gonna ramble and maybe that will break the dam.

Things haven’t been bad – overall. Eh

Work sucks SUCK SUCK SUCKEY SUCKS. In an effort to remove my boss they are creating a hostile work environment for me. Today is my anniversary 11 years – my previous record was 1. Lmao  It is the day my vacation gets added. WAHOO I already checked my account.

I have class tonight which I love! It’s really a refresher as I have my degree already but it is making me do it and giving me something to be proud of. I am just not sure I can last here until the end of the program.

New word!!!  Fabul-ass  It’s when your ass is mighty fine or something is the equivalent.

Speaking of asses. My hair is so long it isn’t at my ass crack, it gets stuck between my cheeks. I am constantly stuck in or laying on it or kneeling on it. Daddy says I can cut it and I’m considering. I don’t know that I will add my purple back in if I do. It would be a good thing to have it out for interviews – if I get to that point.

I am Convinced you can blow a car speaker out with The Fugees Killing Me Softly.   Especially if you suspect kid has jacked up your bass settings.  I honor my friend when I follow her suggestion to keep singing and your radio cranked when you pull up to stoplights. No hiding!

Talking on the phone is scary, especially with someone for the first time. But when you run away from home and your friend says Call Me you dial and peep out a little “hi”. Blessed for the friendships made.

Oh you caught that thing about running away?   Yeah I don’t know if it’s perimenopause but I have been quite irrational in my last few cycles or in general. Idk

Daddy’s note (yep still doing that) said sing so I had my Evanescence playlist going and this song comes up. WTF Spotify! STOP suggesting things and I CANT sing to that – I don’t know the language!!!

Article on Empaths

OMG This This THIS!!!

It is written about male empaths but it fits me to a T. This is how I feel when Daddy and I hit the slightest speed bump. I feel as if the world has crashed down.

… What happens when the relationship hits a speed bump. When the empathetic partner no longer feels the warmth of the person they love? There is no attachment, no hand holding, no touching, no soft kisses, no “I love you” just for the sake of saying it. It utterly devastates the empath. If the spiritual emotional connection is cut and it was not expected, or not seen….the empath’s world goes dark. Their heart doesn’t beat well, they can’t eat. It’s the emotional equivalent of pulling the plug on a patient who wasn’t ready to die. It’s removing the light from their life and placing them in a dark closet with the boogeyman, without them knowing how they got there…because they were too busy giving and believing (in you) to see it coming. The Empathic man dove right in and didn’t look back, now he is in danger of drowning, of dying in front of the very person whom they love so dearly that they are struggling to breathe, to participate to function and when they do…it’s only on autopilot.

And this is why I run away from home. I cannot bear to be in the same house if things are bad and not being resolved.

If the situation is painful, beyond what he can bear, an empath will leave; he will seek a way out because he is in constant emotional hurt. He is feeling as if each fingernail has a huge wooden sliver jabbed between it and that pain is constant and they feel it in the depths of his heart. He can only take so much of a painful situation before he needs out because if he stays he will die, maybe not physically…but his heart, his center, his most valuable strength will be irreparably harmed. Many of us don’t come back from that damaged heart wasteland.

I have come to realize that Daddy is likely an empath as well.

Male Empaths and Romantic Relationships with Women
When it’s bad, it’s painful. When it’s good, it’s bliss.
February 26, 2017 by Franklin Madison